Dogs

Okay, I can't believe this will be my first blog after my birthday hiatus.
Dogs are so disgusting!
First of all, I admit that I am a bad doggie parent and we haven't had Lola, the Great Pyrenees, spayed.
Similarly, my parents have not had their dog, Mongo, neutered.
My dog, Lola, must be in heat because lately Mongo has entered our yard at every opportunity (he sneaks through this tiny rabbit hole under the fence in the upper corner of the yard). He comes over and he and Lola hump each other's heads until the cows come home, or until MrDartt discovers them and runs outside, grabs Mongo by the collar and throws him out the gate, thereby getting a huge gash and bruise on his back when he scrapes it on the latch.
That is not the gross part.
If you think dogs are gross, just click off this page now.
Otherwise, here's the gross part:
Our other dog, Louie, is neutered. A while back, around Thanksgiving, he tore the ACL in his left back leg (it's a part of his knee). The vet said it would cost $1500 to fix, but the surgery doesn't usually work anyway and the dog goes lame in the injured leg. So we let it heal itself, and it's just about healed, but he still limps on it. Sure enough, now he's torn the ACL in his right back leg. So he's walking on three legs again, but the left back leg is still very weak.
Do you know that he can still find a way to hump Lola?
Is that amazing? Is that totally disgusting?
Here he is, whining when he runs inside, scuttling around the slippery wood floor because his leg is too weak to get a good grip, sitting down at every opportunity he gets, and he's still humping Lola.
Gross.

RIP Ruby and the Barf

Warning: This post might gross you out.

I am pretty sure our bulimic cat, Ruby, is dead.

She has been missing for some time now, and since she's very dramatic about her food intake, that can only mean one thing: she's not coming back.

More than anything, I feel guilt that I am not very sad that she is not coming back. She was a nice enough cat, but she did not bring anything into my life except annoyance. Of course, I hope that she laid herself down and had a nice peaceful death and that she did not get eaten by a coyote (although spring has sprung here and that is semi-likely). I hope she did not have any fear or pain.

But she was so annoying! She meowed constantly, and then would climb in your lap and nurse on your shirt while kneading your tummy. She would arch up to be pet, but only wanted to be scratched on the neck. And if you did that too long, she'd shake her head and get slobber everywhere. And then there was the whole thing I mentioned before, in the Introductions post, that she did, where she'd cry and cry for food, then swallow it whole, then run somewhere and barf it up. So you'd always be walking along with bare feet in the dark when you found the barf. Even now, we find barf in weird places, all dried up.

So I don't think I'll miss her. It's one less mouth to feed, one less poop to scoop in the litter box (even though MrDartt mostly does that dirty work), and one less being's barf to clean up.

I feel terrible about times I kicked her off the carpet and onto the wood floor as she was getting ready to barf, sending her skidding across the hall, leaving a trail of barf on the floor.

Don't worry, I took her to the vet for this throwing up thing, and they said there was nothing wrong with her -- probably anxiety related. In a cat.

I noticed recently that she was getting skinny but I thought it's just because it's getting hot and she liked to be outside. I thought it could be age -- I've had her at least six years and don't know how old she was when I got her.

Isn't it horrible that I don't think I'll miss her, and that the only real reason I'm sad is because I feel bad for her that I don't think I'll miss her?

Rest In Peace, Ruby.

Hopefully cats don't barf in cat heaven.

houseplants and other unsavory characters

Okay, I know I said I wouldn't do this, but I need help -- and the best way to get help is to ask, right? I'm introducing you to some of my houseplants.

Check out my ficus tree! A friend gave it to us two years ago, since she was moving and couldn't take it with her. At the time it was shedding or molting or whatever trees do when they drop leaves, so we attributed its ratty appearance to that. Only it's never really started looking better. I did some internet research about caring for ficus trees, and basically ficus trees don't like anything. To paraphrase an article I read, "For optimum ficus tree health, don't overwater, underwater, move, prune, touch, breathe on or look at a ficus tree."

So I put it in a spot where it gets lots of indirect light. Some spots on the tree look great but mostly it looks terrible and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Two of my cacti have shriveled up, despite my attempts not to overwater or underlight them. I thought you couldn't kill a cactus...I suspect this problem could be light-related but have given up because I'm pretty sure those guys are dead. I have started replacing dead houseplants with fake houseplants -- like the herb garden I planted under a grow light in my kitchen. Now they're plastic and they look pretty but don't taste very good.

So those are my houseplants. Don't worry, some of them are healthy and thriving. And so are my children.

On to the pets:

Let me preface this with the fact that I don't think I'm a pet person any more.

Izzy, one of the cats, is perhaps the least annoying pet, except that she's a scratcher. She doesn't scratch humans and she is very tolerant of Big Boy, but our door jambs look like one of our cactus plants has mutated, has legs, and can't fit through doorways. Since the birth of Little Boy, Izzy has taken to sleeping on my pillow, which is somewhat endearing but mostly annoying. Her history: My dad found her at one of his job sites (he builds houses), living in a cardboard box.

Ruby, the other cat, has an eating disorder. I am not joking or making light of eating disorders. Ruby is always hungry, even when her bowl is full. She meows constantly. She binges on food and then throws up. Constantly. I have had her evaluated by two veterinarians but she doesn't seem to be unhealthy (except for the constant puking, right?). This brings me to Lola.

Lola is one of our canines. She has only two positive characteristics: she eats Ruby's throw up if she gets into the house and notices a pile I have missed. Also, she is very nice to both boys she lets them do almost anything to her. I insisted on getting her as an outside dog so she could protect us! This was all my idea. You see, thieves broke into my husband's truck two years ago, in our driveway. They made off with a lot of loot. It freaked me out. Enter Lola. She's hairy and she barks all the time. She barks at cars driving by. She barks at other dogs barking. She barks at spiders in the yard. Sometimes she barks at nothing. She also eats various parts of our irrigation system. Her existence, as it relates to our household, has caused some tension between MrsDartt and MrDartt. Quite a bit of tension.

Then there's Louie. When I adopted him as a roommate after buying my first house, he was the perfect dog. He was a little shy, but he did pretty much everything right (except for eating my couch cushions). Now, though, he's grown more and more skittish. If we open the front door too fast, his feet go a million miles an hour as he scrambles to get outside, all the while clacking on the wood floor, causing quite a ruckus. He won't walk through the kitchen, so if you get stuck between Louie and the side of the counter you have to pass to get into the kitchen, his feet go a million miles an hour as he scrambles to get out of your way. The clacking drives MrDartt crazy. MrsDartt, too, actually.

Now you know everybody in our household. We will not be adding any living beings, plant or animal (including human) for a while.