Vacuum Review

I think the maddest MrDartt has ever been at me was the time when I invited some Kirby vacuum salespeople into the house to give me a demonstration of the Kirby.
Here's how it went down. MrDartt was working late so I had my parents over for dinner. A nice-looking blonde lady knocked on the door and asked if I wanted her to clean my carpets for free. Of course I did, so I invited her in. She said in just a few minutes her associate would show up and clean the carpets. A few minutes later, sure enough, her associate, a very short, very muscular Hispanic man, knocked on the door. My parents were aghast that I'd let someone in the house. So they stayed there with me. The blonde lady left, probably to go knock on more doors.
MrDartt arrived home. He busted through the door between the garage and the dining room, where we were all still finishing dinner (not the Hispanic guy. He was sprinkling baking soda on the carpet). He was very angry (MrDartt, not the Hispanic guy.). A strange van was parked in front of the garage door, blocking him from parking there.
For those of you who haven't seen MrDartt, he looks very mean and grumpy, especially now that he doesn't wear glasses. It's his job to look mean and grumpy and he's good at it, if I do say so myself. So anyway, he was mad at the van driver (Hispanic guy, who was now vacuuming up the baking soda and dumping it and dust and debris on little white disks to show us how well the Kirby picks up baking soda and dust and debris and also how dirty our carpet is). He was mad at me for inviting people into our house. Really mad.
Anyway, MrDartt once went to a presentation (he thought it was a job interview but it was a presentation) about selling vacuums, so he knew the guy would be there for like THREE HOURS. I thought it would be a 30-minute deal, but MrDartt was right. These people were there for THREE HOURS. Before we knew it, the Hispanic guy is taking us into our bedroom and vacuuming our mattress. No kidding. Vacuuming our mattress.
As the Hispanic guy was cleaning up his stuff, he was asking us where we're going to store this vacuum. Which closet will we keep it in? Who will use it, me or MrDartt? So on and so forth. He rolls out the price: $2,450. You read that right. TWO THOUSAND, FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS.
Right.
So anyway, our vacuum died some time later. MrDartt's brother and his wife were getting rid of a vacuum -- guess what kind? A Kirby!
So they gave it to us.
I HATE it! I would NEVER pay for this vacuum. Maybe $10 at a garage sale.
First of all, it weighs 800 pounds. Sure, you can put it in neutral and roll it quite easily despite its mammoth weight. But what if you have to carry it downstairs? Or UPstairs, for that matter?
Second, to switch from carpet vacuuming to hardwood floor vacuuming, you have to take the thing apart. Yes, you have to take off one head, which requires turning a plastic handle, and then turning a very difficult-to-turn metal handle thing. And then you have to put on another head, which means you have to turn that metal handle thing again.
Third, when you use the hardwood floor attachment, the pipes always come undone. So if you go too fast, the bottom falls off and you're no longer actually vacuuming the hardwood floor.
Fourth, it weighs 800 pounds.
Fifth, the parts are hard and metal. So if you hit a child, dog or your own foot with the darn thing, you're definitely going to do some damage. Ever tried to vacuum while avoiding a three-year-old, a one-year-old and a dog (two two-legged and one three-legged creature?)?
Sixth, I always break the belts. Over and over. Most recently MrDartt vacuumed up one of those soft baby shoes and broke the belt.
I think that's about it.
My advice: NEVER buy a Kirby vacuum, even though you can vacuum up a lot of baking soda, dust and debris.
You can't lift the vacuum. You have to break your fingers to switch heads. You have to switch heads. You have to change the bag (which doesn't make me hate the vacuum, it's just something you should know). You might break your toe or someone else's. You must spend an hour vacuuming the hardwood floor because you have to do it at snail speed.
And it weighs 800 pounds.